Quarter Century Clarity

Everyone always told me sobriety is made easier by staying busy. That I should stay busy and give myself jobs to do throughout the day so that I don’t smoke weed again. But here I am sitting on my porch thinking of nothing at all, and I am content with not smoking. I am content with sobriety and boredom. Not because I am busying my brain, but because I am living in the moment. By truly experiencing, being in the present moment, I am eradicating any desire or preference of a different state of mind, such as a weed-induced high. It is not my busy-ness that is causing me to not smoke today, it is my lack of internal division.

And yet I began this thought with the questioning of if offered right now, would I smoke weed. That if this present moment included my brother walking up to me, as he was just now, and offering me weed would there be a problem in my acceptance of getting high? I am in the present moment, the moment provided a choice to join in with using a substance, and if without thought, but feeling and intuition, I accept the offer. How can that be wrong? I am following my intuition that said “Sure, I’ll smoke.”

In this scenario I am offered a choice. I can choose between the pleasures of a high or, in this case, the pleasures of being sober and continuing to sit on the porch enjoying the beautiful weather. This situation involves two pleasurable experiences, so the default option isn’t as clear (we default toward pleasure). When faced with this decision I can acknowledge that I am already enjoying the moment. I don’t need to change it for some seemingly more pleasurable experience. My porch sitting was good enough already, so why fall into the hedonistic trap of seeking even more pleasure?

I speak of this example because it is what I just experienced, but for a moment let’s question the scenario of a person who is forced to sit on this porch. It is their job to sit here and do nothing. It’s a rainy day and they have always disliked the rain. They don’t want to be here, nor are they happy or content with their current situation. They are suffering due to their decision to not be present, they are internally divided with thoughts and desires, and so they technically choose to suffer in their current predicament than to sit and be present with it. In this state of mind how could they turn down the offer of weed? Why would they ever decide not to fall into a state of pleasure? Pleasure is our default choice, so of course they will accept the weed high and end their suffering.

Once one is in a state of suffering they cannot be expected to suddenly decide that they instead will be in the present moment. To suddenly move into an undivided mindset, where their experience is just sitting on the porch and there is nothing else, is an impossible ask. This is when they need to use a “tool” to break out of the inescapable cycle of being divided and therefore suffering. The tool I make handy most often is the acknowledgment that my suffering is caused by my thinking. And so by just acknowledging and truly having faith that the suffering would end if they brought themselves back to the present moment, and ended their constant state of actively thinking, they would then no longer suffer.

This may sound impossible depending on the state of ones mind, however it is equally true and useful no matter what. It is a tool to practice, not immediately have the ability to use and gain instant satisfaction from. But if one devotes their suffering to practicing this tool, they will find themselves constantly in the moment. Not thinking, not divided, and therefore not suffering.